Well I have been living with family. As I write the word family it feels like I am using the word wrong. Family? Well I digress. I moved to this state in order to improve my childrens life as well as my own. It wasn't safe for us to be where we were. I was worried about my childrens emotional well being. Whats ironic is that we moved away from the only place we could call ours. Our home. The place we are living has compromised their emotional well being. The kids are brilliant and kind but what they have had to witness this year. Sometimes I wish we could wake up from this nightmare.
The two people we live with can not be considered family.
Family is home. Home is with your family. This couple who try to pass themselves off as church going grandparents. I can't figure out what or who they are but family isn't the appropriate word. Sure we are living under their roof but thats as far as it goes. I wouldn't call it living either. We have to live off of the bit that I receive. Which isn't much. I spent one night in a homeless shelter, I will tell you it stunk but they treated us as family. There was a clean bathroom and shower. We had a nice thanksgiving meal. No one was watching our every move, hiding the toilet paper, giving us dirty looks, turning off the heat. No one said this is mine don't touch,Or shut up kid", no name calling. I guess by now you caught on. All the negative stuff was my "family".
I don't want to judge but going to church everyday does not mean that you have faith. A person who has faith treats others kind. Sometimes there may be some people that make it hard but you try. You try because there is good in your heart. I never want to be a burden on anyone. EVER! But when you purchase a one way ticket so that my family could live with you to be "safe". I would expect to feel safe. To feel secure. From the moment I moved here it has been difficult.
I am working hard to get myself out of this situation but right when I pick myself up, my "family" finds away to knock me down. Now I do not feel sorry for myself because most of my choices, have made it difficult to have a better future. I don't like to think back at what if. But thinking back makes me understand that I made choices that led me to where I am. Of course my choices were always with the best intentions for my children but I learned that if I would have thought things through and not reacted on emotions. Like accepting my parents "help". I would have remembered how they really are. I would have remembered that at least I had my own place. That was safe. It was ours. There were many things I could have done. I decided to allow my fears make the decisions for me.
Having kids its hard not to act on my emotions. My daughter applied to school and wants me to move with her. At first picking up everything and moving was my first thought. With my profession getting a great paying job shouldn't be to difficult. But wait a minute bad choices in the past such as paying bills late will stand in the way of getting and apartment. I decided to save but life happens and the car I am burrowing needed repairs. I of course had to pay the repairs. Now we are left with nothing. So I have to think things through. My daughter did too. She decided to defer her enrollment and work. We are both looking for work but our living situation is the same.
I do have to tell anyone who is reading, my true family are my kids. They are incredible. Dangerously amazing. Dangerous because like I said I will do anything for them and sometimes its a good thing but other times it allows me to make impulsive choices. I want them to be happy so my life revolves around them. Like I said I almost picked up and drove to another state just because my daughter needed me. Sometimes life has to throw me a curveball to actually set me staright. That curve ball was having to pay for the car expenses.
I have a job waiting in that other state and I am on a waiting list for an apartment. But how bad would it be to go out there with no where to stay. Hotels are expensive. So I guess this curveball wasn't too bad. We are still stuck with the relatives but it is giving us time to get thngs straight.
Today I had to wash at the sink! Pretty crazy. We live in a house! I had to wear pajamas because we can't use the washing machine in the house. When we have soap I wash my things by hand but we don't have soap. The dollar store is my favorite place for soaps and shampoos. Unfortunately the owners of the house have sticky fingers and take our things. True story. I can't believe it myself. We live through; allow me to rephrase that. We overcome some crazy things in this house.
The lies and gossips. The selfishness. You would never know that theres selfishness because these people are allowing us to stay under their roof. Thats a selfless act. Allowing is another one of those words I am not sure of.
In this house, things like; toilet paper, soap and napkins, are off limits. My kids and I can not use any of these items. However our things, when we do have them. Anyone can touch, take, keep.
I know someday we may laugh because its inconceivable the things we have to conform to. I have a close friend who witnessed it herself and she was never the same. She has told me herself "No one would believe what I just experienced" another friend has over heard what goes on with my realtives and she herself has said its unreal. I myself try as much not to talk about it because I can't believe it myself. Maybe one day I will blog about it.
Tomorrow I have an interview with a company. I am looking at transitional housing for now. I am hoping that as long as I am doing everything in my power to overcome this obstacle. God will help me with the rest. "God helps those, who help themselves" God I have been trying to help myself, please give be a hand. He will. I know he will.
I promise less rambling and no self pitty on my next blog. Why do I feel like when I explain what is going on it comes off as self pitty. No one has told me this but I just hate it. I like to have more positive things to speak of. Like my boy is turning 16!!!!! Tomorrow he will be 16. So excited :) Haven't read through this one so if there are no spaces or transitions. Sorry :D
Thanks for lending me your eyes for a moment! God Bless
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus
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