Months later I was fascinated with the movie Julie& Julia what a wonderful idea yet not for me.
As days become longer and longer with no change and income becomes absent. As my family struggles, I begin to think of ways to make money. Juggling a fulltime job, trying to help my child overcome academic, emotional and medical obstacles; in addition to caring for his other three siblings needs. It becomes a struggle in itself. Still loans have to be paid and life doesn't stop because I need a moment for appointments and to advocate for my child.
As an abundance of appointments begin to interfere with work and vice versa. I find myself jobless, trying to figure out how to make a living while being both a father and mother. Trying to figure out how I can make an income, be completely self sufficient while giving each one of my children the attention, assistance and love of both parents.
With many obstacles including no child support, minimal family emotional support, loans, keeping my healthcare License up to date which requires CEU's ($$$$) while trying to be a supportive, reliable mother, emotionally &financially. I begin to look to look into successful woman that have dug themselves out of pit. I watch shows, research and read about how this incredible woman became successful. What traits and characteristics did they have? Determination-check, People skills- check, creativity-check. I did see some things that they did have that I don’t emotional support from relatives, a spouse, time, health, financial assistance.
I still try to think of ways to use my skills to set goals for success. BAM!!!!!! E.R. visit, REALITY B-SMACK!!! My child is failing in school, BOOM!!!!! I have no insurance!! SLAM!!!!!!!!! More bills!
Every moment spent advocating for each of my children, trying not to leave any of them feeling left out while struggling with many ugly truths. Obstacles!!!!!! Financial, emotional, physical, environmental, out of my control, obstacles!!!!!
Once again I hear something on blogs and how one can supplement their income by blogging. Nice idea but I need more than supplemental income and when will I get a chance. Idea rejected!!!!!
My passion for Occupational Therapy and for children gave me an idea to begin a blog about something called the GFCF diet. Maybe as I begin to tryout the diet for my children I can document the ease or lack of, as I try to maintain my family on this diet which may help improve our lives. I can possibly start a blog as I try each recipe 'inspired by Julie' Julie & Julia. Ugh… time, money, too many appointments. Idea rejected.
My daughter graduated from high school this year and I remember writing a letter to her when she was born. She would open this letter when she turned 18. Well that letter is missing because of one of many poor decisions or shall I say impulsive and poor judgment. I decide to write her a new one and send it to her in an email but this one lacked vigor, passion and innocence of the first. I then begin to think "why didn't I continue to keep a journal". The thought of a blog came to mind. Rejected!
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Awaken today with all the same anxieties and worries that wake me up most nights. I sit and though about their future. I watch as my children sleep. I think to myself how my innocent children ever forgive me for lacking. How can I answer my children’s questions or help them at least see the world through my eyes. Blogg! I have many reasons for beginning this blog but the hard part is sticking to it because any moment that I may feel it takes from the kids or that I may feel that I am doing it for my own benefit...that will change things... I began to think about sharing my crazy life to help others...sharing my thoughts so that my children can at least know more about me and how much they are loved. For a moment it sounded like something for me.. I will delete it..As I type..I close up to the idea of posting this blog...then my oldest walks in to the room at 6:30 in the morning. No if anything maybe this can help my kids. Maybe they will have questions years from now. Maybe in the future, when their grown and I have passed, maybe this could help them feel close to me. So many great reasons, all for them :)
Don't know what will come of this. Am I being impulsive? Not sure...can it have a negative turn won't know till I try. I do know I will always be honest in my bloggs. Maybe it will be sporadic with completely different ideas and thoughts, or more like a journal. I don’t know but I will try it out! So please feel free to join me as I figure it all out. The blog & life.
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