So apparently my every comment, blog and actions are being monitored by some one that is taking it upon themselves to be the defender of evil. Let me just note that I am grateful to have fans of my blog. Even if its a person that has always tried to bring me down. Trying to defame me behind my back, pretending to care for me while conjuring up stories to make others think less of me.
Try as you may to hurt me. The only people that are listening are liars and schemers themselves.
When I speak to you and even look out for you, when you tell me stories and beg that I don't tell anyone (I don't). Even though you tried for many years to bring me down, I always knew your motives. I try to forget.
I try to move on. My true family and true friends do not sit and listen to your tales. No matter what you have tried telling your own friends and lovers it still doesn't make any of what you say true. It still won't make me care less about you or your kids. I just know that whatever I say won't be kept between us and I know that you will turn everything in to a lie. You fabricate the truth. I have children that love me an friends that accept who I am. I don't have to lie or try to buy love from my friends. My loved ones love me unconditionally. I know who truly loves me. I know those who for some odd reason envy me. I say odd because I don't have much. What I do have is the undeniable, irreplaceable and unconditional love from/for my children. I guess that is something to envy.
So read on because the whole point is for all to read. I appreciate any one who is interested in reading it. Hopefully what will come out of this blog for any person who has ill intentions, is GROWTH. Or maybe the security that I am not trying to be better than you, I don't think I am better than you. Nothing I do is about you. If trying to improve the quality of my life offend you or makes you feel little, then examine yourself. Become a better person. I have nothing to do with your low self esteem issues. I just want you to finally understand that I know who you really are and if its that, which makes you uncomfortable then you can do one of two things 1. Change or 2. accept that everyone who knows you well,Knows you! I am not trying to expose you. You can lie and preach to all as much as you want. You are still you. Even if you are lying to yourself as well.
The only advice that I feel I can give to you.. Is move on, move forward.
I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.Abraham Lincoln
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him. Oscar Wilde lol
Thanks for lending me your eyes for a moment! God Bless
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Living with Friction
Well I have been living with family. As I write the word family it feels like I am using the word wrong. Family? Well I digress. I moved to this state in order to improve my childrens life as well as my own. It wasn't safe for us to be where we were. I was worried about my childrens emotional well being. Whats ironic is that we moved away from the only place we could call ours. Our home. The place we are living has compromised their emotional well being. The kids are brilliant and kind but what they have had to witness this year. Sometimes I wish we could wake up from this nightmare.
The two people we live with can not be considered family.
Family is home. Home is with your family. This couple who try to pass themselves off as church going grandparents. I can't figure out what or who they are but family isn't the appropriate word. Sure we are living under their roof but thats as far as it goes. I wouldn't call it living either. We have to live off of the bit that I receive. Which isn't much. I spent one night in a homeless shelter, I will tell you it stunk but they treated us as family. There was a clean bathroom and shower. We had a nice thanksgiving meal. No one was watching our every move, hiding the toilet paper, giving us dirty looks, turning off the heat. No one said this is mine don't touch,Or shut up kid", no name calling. I guess by now you caught on. All the negative stuff was my "family".
I don't want to judge but going to church everyday does not mean that you have faith. A person who has faith treats others kind. Sometimes there may be some people that make it hard but you try. You try because there is good in your heart. I never want to be a burden on anyone. EVER! But when you purchase a one way ticket so that my family could live with you to be "safe". I would expect to feel safe. To feel secure. From the moment I moved here it has been difficult.
I am working hard to get myself out of this situation but right when I pick myself up, my "family" finds away to knock me down. Now I do not feel sorry for myself because most of my choices, have made it difficult to have a better future. I don't like to think back at what if. But thinking back makes me understand that I made choices that led me to where I am. Of course my choices were always with the best intentions for my children but I learned that if I would have thought things through and not reacted on emotions. Like accepting my parents "help". I would have remembered how they really are. I would have remembered that at least I had my own place. That was safe. It was ours. There were many things I could have done. I decided to allow my fears make the decisions for me.
Having kids its hard not to act on my emotions. My daughter applied to school and wants me to move with her. At first picking up everything and moving was my first thought. With my profession getting a great paying job shouldn't be to difficult. But wait a minute bad choices in the past such as paying bills late will stand in the way of getting and apartment. I decided to save but life happens and the car I am burrowing needed repairs. I of course had to pay the repairs. Now we are left with nothing. So I have to think things through. My daughter did too. She decided to defer her enrollment and work. We are both looking for work but our living situation is the same.
I do have to tell anyone who is reading, my true family are my kids. They are incredible. Dangerously amazing. Dangerous because like I said I will do anything for them and sometimes its a good thing but other times it allows me to make impulsive choices. I want them to be happy so my life revolves around them. Like I said I almost picked up and drove to another state just because my daughter needed me. Sometimes life has to throw me a curveball to actually set me staright. That curve ball was having to pay for the car expenses.
I have a job waiting in that other state and I am on a waiting list for an apartment. But how bad would it be to go out there with no where to stay. Hotels are expensive. So I guess this curveball wasn't too bad. We are still stuck with the relatives but it is giving us time to get thngs straight.
Today I had to wash at the sink! Pretty crazy. We live in a house! I had to wear pajamas because we can't use the washing machine in the house. When we have soap I wash my things by hand but we don't have soap. The dollar store is my favorite place for soaps and shampoos. Unfortunately the owners of the house have sticky fingers and take our things. True story. I can't believe it myself. We live through; allow me to rephrase that. We overcome some crazy things in this house.
The lies and gossips. The selfishness. You would never know that theres selfishness because these people are allowing us to stay under their roof. Thats a selfless act. Allowing is another one of those words I am not sure of.
In this house, things like; toilet paper, soap and napkins, are off limits. My kids and I can not use any of these items. However our things, when we do have them. Anyone can touch, take, keep.
I know someday we may laugh because its inconceivable the things we have to conform to. I have a close friend who witnessed it herself and she was never the same. She has told me herself "No one would believe what I just experienced" another friend has over heard what goes on with my realtives and she herself has said its unreal. I myself try as much not to talk about it because I can't believe it myself. Maybe one day I will blog about it.
Tomorrow I have an interview with a company. I am looking at transitional housing for now. I am hoping that as long as I am doing everything in my power to overcome this obstacle. God will help me with the rest. "God helps those, who help themselves" God I have been trying to help myself, please give be a hand. He will. I know he will.
I promise less rambling and no self pitty on my next blog. Why do I feel like when I explain what is going on it comes off as self pitty. No one has told me this but I just hate it. I like to have more positive things to speak of. Like my boy is turning 16!!!!! Tomorrow he will be 16. So excited :) Haven't read through this one so if there are no spaces or transitions. Sorry :D
Thanks for lending me your eyes for a moment! God Bless
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus
The two people we live with can not be considered family.
Family is home. Home is with your family. This couple who try to pass themselves off as church going grandparents. I can't figure out what or who they are but family isn't the appropriate word. Sure we are living under their roof but thats as far as it goes. I wouldn't call it living either. We have to live off of the bit that I receive. Which isn't much. I spent one night in a homeless shelter, I will tell you it stunk but they treated us as family. There was a clean bathroom and shower. We had a nice thanksgiving meal. No one was watching our every move, hiding the toilet paper, giving us dirty looks, turning off the heat. No one said this is mine don't touch,Or shut up kid", no name calling. I guess by now you caught on. All the negative stuff was my "family".
I don't want to judge but going to church everyday does not mean that you have faith. A person who has faith treats others kind. Sometimes there may be some people that make it hard but you try. You try because there is good in your heart. I never want to be a burden on anyone. EVER! But when you purchase a one way ticket so that my family could live with you to be "safe". I would expect to feel safe. To feel secure. From the moment I moved here it has been difficult.
I am working hard to get myself out of this situation but right when I pick myself up, my "family" finds away to knock me down. Now I do not feel sorry for myself because most of my choices, have made it difficult to have a better future. I don't like to think back at what if. But thinking back makes me understand that I made choices that led me to where I am. Of course my choices were always with the best intentions for my children but I learned that if I would have thought things through and not reacted on emotions. Like accepting my parents "help". I would have remembered how they really are. I would have remembered that at least I had my own place. That was safe. It was ours. There were many things I could have done. I decided to allow my fears make the decisions for me.
Having kids its hard not to act on my emotions. My daughter applied to school and wants me to move with her. At first picking up everything and moving was my first thought. With my profession getting a great paying job shouldn't be to difficult. But wait a minute bad choices in the past such as paying bills late will stand in the way of getting and apartment. I decided to save but life happens and the car I am burrowing needed repairs. I of course had to pay the repairs. Now we are left with nothing. So I have to think things through. My daughter did too. She decided to defer her enrollment and work. We are both looking for work but our living situation is the same.
I do have to tell anyone who is reading, my true family are my kids. They are incredible. Dangerously amazing. Dangerous because like I said I will do anything for them and sometimes its a good thing but other times it allows me to make impulsive choices. I want them to be happy so my life revolves around them. Like I said I almost picked up and drove to another state just because my daughter needed me. Sometimes life has to throw me a curveball to actually set me staright. That curve ball was having to pay for the car expenses.
I have a job waiting in that other state and I am on a waiting list for an apartment. But how bad would it be to go out there with no where to stay. Hotels are expensive. So I guess this curveball wasn't too bad. We are still stuck with the relatives but it is giving us time to get thngs straight.
Today I had to wash at the sink! Pretty crazy. We live in a house! I had to wear pajamas because we can't use the washing machine in the house. When we have soap I wash my things by hand but we don't have soap. The dollar store is my favorite place for soaps and shampoos. Unfortunately the owners of the house have sticky fingers and take our things. True story. I can't believe it myself. We live through; allow me to rephrase that. We overcome some crazy things in this house.
The lies and gossips. The selfishness. You would never know that theres selfishness because these people are allowing us to stay under their roof. Thats a selfless act. Allowing is another one of those words I am not sure of.
In this house, things like; toilet paper, soap and napkins, are off limits. My kids and I can not use any of these items. However our things, when we do have them. Anyone can touch, take, keep.
I know someday we may laugh because its inconceivable the things we have to conform to. I have a close friend who witnessed it herself and she was never the same. She has told me herself "No one would believe what I just experienced" another friend has over heard what goes on with my realtives and she herself has said its unreal. I myself try as much not to talk about it because I can't believe it myself. Maybe one day I will blog about it.
Tomorrow I have an interview with a company. I am looking at transitional housing for now. I am hoping that as long as I am doing everything in my power to overcome this obstacle. God will help me with the rest. "God helps those, who help themselves" God I have been trying to help myself, please give be a hand. He will. I know he will.
I promise less rambling and no self pitty on my next blog. Why do I feel like when I explain what is going on it comes off as self pitty. No one has told me this but I just hate it. I like to have more positive things to speak of. Like my boy is turning 16!!!!! Tomorrow he will be 16. So excited :) Haven't read through this one so if there are no spaces or transitions. Sorry :D
Thanks for lending me your eyes for a moment! God Bless
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. Epictetus
Monday, August 8, 2011
Decisions, Decisions
To write a blog or not? As I contemplate whether or not to begin a blog. I ask myself what are the benefits. For possibly a millisecond I thought to myself "to vent". Immediately I abandoned the idea.
Months later I was fascinated with the movie Julie& Julia what a wonderful idea yet not for me.
As days become longer and longer with no change and income becomes absent. As my family struggles, I begin to think of ways to make money. Juggling a fulltime job, trying to help my child overcome academic, emotional and medical obstacles; in addition to caring for his other three siblings needs. It becomes a struggle in itself. Still loans have to be paid and life doesn't stop because I need a moment for appointments and to advocate for my child.
As an abundance of appointments begin to interfere with work and vice versa. I find myself jobless, trying to figure out how to make a living while being both a father and mother. Trying to figure out how I can make an income, be completely self sufficient while giving each one of my children the attention, assistance and love of both parents.
With many obstacles including no child support, minimal family emotional support, loans, keeping my healthcare License up to date which requires CEU's ($$$$) while trying to be a supportive, reliable mother, emotionally &financially. I begin to look to look into successful woman that have dug themselves out of pit. I watch shows, research and read about how this incredible woman became successful. What traits and characteristics did they have? Determination-check, People skills- check, creativity-check. I did see some things that they did have that I don’t emotional support from relatives, a spouse, time, health, financial assistance.
I still try to think of ways to use my skills to set goals for success. BAM!!!!!! E.R. visit, REALITY B-SMACK!!! My child is failing in school, BOOM!!!!! I have no insurance!! SLAM!!!!!!!!! More bills!
Every moment spent advocating for each of my children, trying not to leave any of them feeling left out while struggling with many ugly truths. Obstacles!!!!!! Financial, emotional, physical, environmental, out of my control, obstacles!!!!!
Once again I hear something on blogs and how one can supplement their income by blogging. Nice idea but I need more than supplemental income and when will I get a chance. Idea rejected!!!!!
My passion for Occupational Therapy and for children gave me an idea to begin a blog about something called the GFCF diet. Maybe as I begin to tryout the diet for my children I can document the ease or lack of, as I try to maintain my family on this diet which may help improve our lives. I can possibly start a blog as I try each recipe 'inspired by Julie' Julie & Julia. Ugh… time, money, too many appointments. Idea rejected.
My daughter graduated from high school this year and I remember writing a letter to her when she was born. She would open this letter when she turned 18. Well that letter is missing because of one of many poor decisions or shall I say impulsive and poor judgment. I decide to write her a new one and send it to her in an email but this one lacked vigor, passion and innocence of the first. I then begin to think "why didn't I continue to keep a journal". The thought of a blog came to mind. Rejected!
I
Awaken today with all the same anxieties and worries that wake me up most nights. I sit and though about their future. I watch as my children sleep. I think to myself how my innocent children ever forgive me for lacking. How can I answer my children’s questions or help them at least see the world through my eyes. Blogg! I have many reasons for beginning this blog but the hard part is sticking to it because any moment that I may feel it takes from the kids or that I may feel that I am doing it for my own benefit...that will change things... I began to think about sharing my crazy life to help others...sharing my thoughts so that my children can at least know more about me and how much they are loved. For a moment it sounded like something for me.. I will delete it..As I type..I close up to the idea of posting this blog...then my oldest walks in to the room at 6:30 in the morning. No if anything maybe this can help my kids. Maybe they will have questions years from now. Maybe in the future, when their grown and I have passed, maybe this could help them feel close to me. So many great reasons, all for them :)
Don't know what will come of this. Am I being impulsive? Not sure...can it have a negative turn won't know till I try. I do know I will always be honest in my bloggs. Maybe it will be sporadic with completely different ideas and thoughts, or more like a journal. I don’t know but I will try it out! So please feel free to join me as I figure it all out. The blog & life.
Months later I was fascinated with the movie Julie& Julia what a wonderful idea yet not for me.
As days become longer and longer with no change and income becomes absent. As my family struggles, I begin to think of ways to make money. Juggling a fulltime job, trying to help my child overcome academic, emotional and medical obstacles; in addition to caring for his other three siblings needs. It becomes a struggle in itself. Still loans have to be paid and life doesn't stop because I need a moment for appointments and to advocate for my child.
As an abundance of appointments begin to interfere with work and vice versa. I find myself jobless, trying to figure out how to make a living while being both a father and mother. Trying to figure out how I can make an income, be completely self sufficient while giving each one of my children the attention, assistance and love of both parents.
With many obstacles including no child support, minimal family emotional support, loans, keeping my healthcare License up to date which requires CEU's ($$$$) while trying to be a supportive, reliable mother, emotionally &financially. I begin to look to look into successful woman that have dug themselves out of pit. I watch shows, research and read about how this incredible woman became successful. What traits and characteristics did they have? Determination-check, People skills- check, creativity-check. I did see some things that they did have that I don’t emotional support from relatives, a spouse, time, health, financial assistance.
I still try to think of ways to use my skills to set goals for success. BAM!!!!!! E.R. visit, REALITY B-SMACK!!! My child is failing in school, BOOM!!!!! I have no insurance!! SLAM!!!!!!!!! More bills!
Every moment spent advocating for each of my children, trying not to leave any of them feeling left out while struggling with many ugly truths. Obstacles!!!!!! Financial, emotional, physical, environmental, out of my control, obstacles!!!!!
Once again I hear something on blogs and how one can supplement their income by blogging. Nice idea but I need more than supplemental income and when will I get a chance. Idea rejected!!!!!
My passion for Occupational Therapy and for children gave me an idea to begin a blog about something called the GFCF diet. Maybe as I begin to tryout the diet for my children I can document the ease or lack of, as I try to maintain my family on this diet which may help improve our lives. I can possibly start a blog as I try each recipe 'inspired by Julie' Julie & Julia. Ugh… time, money, too many appointments. Idea rejected.
My daughter graduated from high school this year and I remember writing a letter to her when she was born. She would open this letter when she turned 18. Well that letter is missing because of one of many poor decisions or shall I say impulsive and poor judgment. I decide to write her a new one and send it to her in an email but this one lacked vigor, passion and innocence of the first. I then begin to think "why didn't I continue to keep a journal". The thought of a blog came to mind. Rejected!
I
Awaken today with all the same anxieties and worries that wake me up most nights. I sit and though about their future. I watch as my children sleep. I think to myself how my innocent children ever forgive me for lacking. How can I answer my children’s questions or help them at least see the world through my eyes. Blogg! I have many reasons for beginning this blog but the hard part is sticking to it because any moment that I may feel it takes from the kids or that I may feel that I am doing it for my own benefit...that will change things... I began to think about sharing my crazy life to help others...sharing my thoughts so that my children can at least know more about me and how much they are loved. For a moment it sounded like something for me.. I will delete it..As I type..I close up to the idea of posting this blog...then my oldest walks in to the room at 6:30 in the morning. No if anything maybe this can help my kids. Maybe they will have questions years from now. Maybe in the future, when their grown and I have passed, maybe this could help them feel close to me. So many great reasons, all for them :)
Don't know what will come of this. Am I being impulsive? Not sure...can it have a negative turn won't know till I try. I do know I will always be honest in my bloggs. Maybe it will be sporadic with completely different ideas and thoughts, or more like a journal. I don’t know but I will try it out! So please feel free to join me as I figure it all out. The blog & life.
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